When Love, Loss & Disco Balls Combine
Music: Everywhere
Artist: Fleetwood Mac
Shared by: Rachel for Ant
“Then we embraced, and we danced, our eyes filled with tears. All three of us. Under the best disco ball of all.”
My late husband, Ant - who I lost to suicide six years ago when I was pregnant with our little boy - has never been subtle with his signs for me.
Always at the most profound moments, mostly ladybirds, and quite often, our song: Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac. It was our first dance. We played it at his funeral. It holds so many memories that, for a long time, it was too painful to listen to.
But I hadn’t had a sign all week in Ibiza during the magical celebrations for my wedding to my new husband last year. I wasn’t looking. Signs don’t tend to work like that. I felt as though he was standing aside, knowing this was our time.
Remarrying after being widowed is full of overwhelming emotions. Feeling that unparalleled joy, while remembering the one who was lost for you to be here, feels like the tightest squeeze of your heart. The bewildering feeling of knowing you are so lucky to be there, to be loving and loved so deeply - but that word just seems so misplaced.
How can you be lucky to have lost so profoundly too? But you are also proud of yourself, for having the courage to open up again to true love, knowing precisely how much you could stand to lose.
And the sign came.
During our very last dance of the week, the night before we were flying home and the first time it had just been my husband and I on the dance floor. We were at the Melon Bomb closing party at Pikes when the music finished and the lights came up, so we started to leave. But there was one more tune.
The familiar opening bars of the song we had danced to full of hope and joy. The same song I had wept to, staring at his coffin in disbelief eighteen months later.
I've never felt someone’s presence in a moment quite like that before. It was beautiful, magical, joyful and heartbreaking all at once.
My husband and I just stared at each other, not believing our ears, as we both quietly said thank you to him - for giving us this moment. For his blessing.
Then we embraced, and we danced, our eyes filled with tears. All three of us. Under the best disco ball of all.
With the lights and the love wrapped around our bodies, our hearts and our souls.